Floor Sweepings
by Mireille
Summary: Extras from the Short Guide universe. The theme song is still here, along with a short piece wherein Remus and Sirius tell Harry about his perfect, wonderful dad. Or not.
1. The Theme Song of the Gryffindor Quiddit...

The Theme Song of the 1976-1977 Gryffindor Quidditch Team (written by James Potter with help from Sirius Black)

(For those of you who attended Highland High School in Medina, Ohio, this is sung to the tune of its alma mater.

The interjections, insults and squabbling by team members as they sing, I leave to your imagination.)

O Gryffindor to thee we sing

Your satellites in everything

We've got a Quidditch game today

Smile down upon us as we play.

Gryffindor, your bravery,

Known everywhere, confer on me

Let me not shrink from the fray

And if I die please make them pay.

I ask of you to make me strong

Even if I'm in the wrong

Help me bludge and help me fight

Give me your ferocious might.

The smartest one, we're all agreed,

Is Ravenclaw; to her we plead

Lend us your tremendous brain

Or all our work will be in vain.

Hufflepuff, to you we say

You can't really help today

We worked real hard each evening through

For all the good it's going to do.

Salazar, you scummy whelp

We still could use a little help

We really need your cunning wiles

But please don't make us snakeophiles.

If all of this is not enough

God, please bring us up to snuff

I know I don't routinely pray

I hope you listen anyway.

Now we've got that all fixed up

We address the Quidditch Cup

For you we dream, we sweat, we pine

Someday, sweetheart, you'll be mine.

You thought this song could get no worse

But each of us gets our own verse

This one's for our Keeper, Green

'Cause they're both short (now that was mean).

Next is Beater Sean Monide

Try to get on his good side

If you like the way you look

Stay away from his right hook.

Our other Beater, Lisa Sidd

Looks like a sweet and harmless kid

You might not think she earned her wings

Until you see the way she swings.

Sirius is simply great

Except he tends to show up late

This of course gets James all pissed

'Cause warm-up's really all he missed.

Blakely's a fantastic guy

He really does know how to fly

But hopeless when it comes to school

In that respect, he's quite the fool.

Potter is the guy in charge

His brain and ego both are large

Really that's his only flaw

Aside from bashing Ravenclaw.

Last is Seeker Abelman

He sucks, but he does what he can

Never mind, he's not that bad

It's just that he thinks James a cad.

Go team!


	2. What a Jerk

What a Jerk, or Tea with Remus and Sirius (a part of the _Short Guide_ universe)

By Mireille

"How much sugar, Harry?" Sirius said, holding the sugar bowl above his cup.

"Oh, all of it," he said, sharing a grin with Remus.

Sirius rolled his eyes, and dumped most of it in.  "Here," he said, handing the rest to Remus, who gave Sirius a look.  

"Don't you want any?"

"Of course I do, you numbskull.  Just take it."

Remus dumped it into Sirius's cup and got up to get cream instead.

"You are such an idiot," Sirius grouched, stirring it in.  Harry looked amused at hearing his former professor so addressed.  "Why don't you summon that?"

Remus came back and sat down.  "I thought you learned not to summon food."

"Why?" Harry interrupted.  "What happened?"

Sirius and Remus shared a look.  "It wasn't as funny as it sounds," Sirius said in his voice that meant if I ever catch you doing something like that, young man.

"Yes it was, you git," Remus said.  "You just don't want to tell Harry about it."

Sirius scowled.  "I hate it when you're right."

"Harry's old enough to know, I think," Remus said mildly.

Sirius looked sulky.  "But James –"

"What about my dad?" Harry said.  "I want to know."

Sirius and Remus looked at each other again.  "We have something to tell you, Harry," Remus began, looking uncharacteristically grave.

"It's about your father," Sirius added unhelpfully.

"Your dad," Remus said, "was a very brave man."

"No he wasn't," Sirius interrupted.  "We might as well tell him the truth.  Harry," he said, "your father was a wonderful man –"

"No he wasn't, Sirius," said Remus.  "Harry, your father was –"

"What?" Harry burst out.  "Just tell me, I can take it!  Was he gay or something?"

For some unknown reason, this made Sirius and Remus laugh so hard they spilled tea on each other.

"No," Sirius said at last, wheezing slightly.  "No, your father was as straight as his broom."

"Well, it can't be that bad then," Harry said.  "Right?"

Remus sighed.  "Listen, Harry," he said.  "Your father is a martyr, but please don't think that made him a saint."

"I know that," Harry said.  "I mean, he _did help write the Marauder's Map."_

"Oh, that," Sirius said.  "Our reputation as troublemakers is completely undeserved."

"Well, not exactly," Remus said.  "But we were nothing compared to the likes of Fred and George Weasley.  Your father, remember, was Head Boy."

"Yeah," Sirius said bitterly, "that's because he always made me do the dirty work."

"Harry," said Remus, "I know this may come as something of a shock to you, but your father was a jerk."

"He wasn't the only one," Sirius said, scowling at Remus.

"We were all jerks," Remus clarified.  "Some of us more so than others."

"Harry," said Sirius, "you might look like your father but thank God, you sure don't act like him."

"And … what about Mum?" Harry said faintly.

Yet again, Sirius and Remus looked at each other.

"I'm not touching this one," Sirius said.

"Oh, you were in love with her too," Remus snapped.  "You might as well admit it."

Sirius went red.  "I was not."

"You were so.  You looked exactly like that every time she hugged you."

Sirius went redder.  Harry looked like he wanted to die.

"Can we please talk about something else?" he said.

"Yeah."  Remus glared at Sirius.  "As long as we're telling Harry embarrassing things about us, how about –"

"_No_," Sirius said.  "You're going to make the poor boy nauseous."

"I already am," Harry said.  "Come on, let's hear it."

Remus groaned.  "No, it was just some stupid thing Sirius did –"

"You didn't think it was stupid," Sirius said.

"Let's tell him about something else, okay?" Remus said.  "He'll never be able to look at us again."

"What do you want to tell him?" Sirius said.  "How you were the resident Gryffindor sex god?"

"You mean until you became resident Gryffindor sex god."

Harry closed his eyes.

"Yeah, and why don't you tell him about how all of Gryffindor thought we were in love with each other all because of one innocent little kiss –"

Harry got up and practically ran from the room.

"Now look what you've done," Remus said reproachfully.

"What do you mean, what _I've done?" Sirius said.  "You were the one who wanted to tell him about it in the first place."_

Remus scowled and poured himself another cup of tea.  "Sirius," he said, "you are _such a jerk."_


End file.
